Why I broke my own rules

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I've got a confession to make. I’ve done something a little naughty. Some of you may remember this post a few weeks back where I openly declared to you my intention to undertake a 30 day celibacy challenge. I’m happy to say that the challenge lasted all of two weeks before I broke my own rules. Now you might be asking why I seem so happy about this. Please let me explain…

Something about this challenge didn’t sit right with me from the start. I’m not saying that the challenge was a bad idea, hell I think the lessons I’ve learnt have been invaluable. However I didn’t learn the lessons from sticking to the challenge, I learnt them from breaking it.

For the entirety of 2014 I acted in accordance with my guiding feeling of freedom. Something I felt compelled to call more of into my life. Completely open, fluid, expansive and unrestricted. My motivation was coming from a different place the moment I decided to undertake the challenge.

I feared a lack of self control in certain situations and to remedy this the idea of complete abstinence was like a godsend to me. I didn’t realise it at the time but the challenge was 100% an avoidance strategy. It allowed me to completely push that element of self back into the shadows, hidden away for the next 30 days. Or so I thought.

The night I broke the challenge waves of emotion hit me, and let me tell you it wasn't pretty. As someone who feels emotion strongly at the best of times, I was bombarded with feelings of discomfort and judgement. This was accompanied by a deep sense of knowing that everything was happening just as it needed to. To say I was confused is a complete understatement.

I didn’t know whether to be happy about what had just taken place or utterly disappointed that I hadn’t been able to follow one seemingly simple rule. Breaking the challenge to me represented a complete lack of self respect. Unable to come to any sense of peace that night, I decided to sleep on it.

After waking I noticed the feelings that plagued me were still present from the night before. I did the only possible thing I knew that would help bring me to a state of heightened clarity and peace. I sat in meditation. My practice that morning was long and completely unmemorable, but as a I stood in the shower afterwards the insights started to pour in.

I didn’t feel bad about this at all, in fact I felt amazing. I felt like a total bad-ass breaking my own rules. You see the reason it felt so good was because the rules were completely out of alignment with who I am. It’s not in my nature to live a life of restrictions and rules. I’ve done everything in my power to remove these elements from my life over the past 12 months. No wonder it felt completely wrong to impose such a ban on something as important as sexual energy.

Breaking the rules made me think long and hard about why it was I set the challenge in the first place. What was I really trying to achieve? Other than the obvious avoidance of dealing with my blocks, I feel a part of me was really longing to cultivate a deeper connection through sexual intimacy (either with self or others).

So why do I feel it’s important to share this with you…

Firstly it’s to highlight that we all make mistakes. We make rules and we break them. We do things that cause us to judge ourselves and others. We aren’t perfect because our imperfections are what make us human (so I guess you could say we’re all perfectly human!).

Breaking your own rules does not signify a lack of personal respect and honour. In my case the exact opposite was true. To honour yourself is to do what is right for you in that moment. Not the moment before or the moment after, the present moment.

Secondly, avoidance is not the answer. You can avoid all you want but unless you’re willing to face your fears head on you’ll continuously hit those blocks that prevent you from moving forward with your life.

The sometimes uncomfortable truth that we all have to face is that we can’t run away from our emotions. You either accept and feel, thereby moving through them. Or you resist and bury, which ultimately prevents them from leaving your life for good. The choice is yours and yours alone.

When I look back on the challenge I think of it as a complete success. What I gained from breaking the rules has been far greater than anything that could have eventuated had I stuck to them.

Now it's your turn. It's time to take a look at your own life and identify any areas you may be stuck in because of a self-imposed rules that just don't fit you any more. I challenge you to take that rule and throw it out the damn window! Please share your bad-ass rule breaking in the comments below.

In love, light and magic.

Jess xx

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