I'm not sure if it's just me, but the last couple of months have had a rather distinct and different flavour to them. In the past I've had the tendency to just go-go-go, and although I felt the pressure at times it suited me quite fine up until now. However around the time I wrote this blog post I felt my energy shift dramatically, thrusting me rather suddenly into the other side of the spectrum. I went from experiencing a very masculine action driven energy, to have it all but completely melt away allowing me to surrender into the stillness of just being. I experienced the softness of divine femininity at it's best. I've always been a serial "doer". I was the girl who loved having projects to work on. I've always had a vision in sight, a final destination I was working towards, and I sure as hell loved knowing where it was exactly I was heading. However amongst all the action and goals I was hopelessly searching for some sense of acknowledgement and fulfillment from my life. The beautiful irony of this is that it's actually damn hard to enjoy life while you're stuck in the future caught up in an idealised vision. You start to lack appreciation for and miss the very moments that make life so magical to begin with.
Three months ago I felt something shift within me. I didn't feel the need to push to achieve like I once had previously. I had no deep desire to create anything new, no driving force propelling me forward into action. The only thing I felt to do was soften completely into a state of pure being. At first this felt rather strange and foreign to me as it goes against everything I've always felt. I wasn't accustomed to my waning desires and was hit with an avalanche of fear based thoughts that engulfed my mind. Had I lost my spark?, Was my passion gone?, What if I never felt motivated to do anything ever again, could I make peace with that?. However after getting over the initial feeling of unfamiliarity and the slight panic of inactivity, I realised that this state didn't feel uncomfortable or bad in anyway. In fact it actually felt really really good!
For the first time in what seemed like forever, I felt at complete peace with life. This stillness brought with it a sense of utmost contentment and appreciation for my existence. At one point I remember coming to a moment of complete acceptance. Thinking that if this was as good as it gets (single, working for someone else and living out of a friends spare room), I would still feel happy and fulfilled in life. Coming to this realisation was huge for me, it was indeed the ultimate act of surrender.
After three months in this state only now am I starting to feel the familiar stirring of inspiration accompanied with the strong desire to once again create. Reflecting back on this time and I can see the experience with a greater sense of clarity (as always seems to be the case with life lessons). In this stillness I was able to dive very deeply into a period of self reflection and releasing, something I feel I would not have been able to do if I was worrying about external influences.
This process has made me question whether we can ever truly find a balance between these states. Are we destined to spend our lives shifting between action and inaction, doing and being, morphing from one state to the other? It seems that this is at least the case for me. This period of stillness enabled me to release what was no longer serving me, clearing my internal landscape and creating space for new experiences and people to come into my life (a little bit like an inner spring clean!). Am I the only one who experiences this shifting state, or is it something that we all are challenged to navigate? I'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments below.